Yes sir, no sir!

Being a first time mum, you always take on board as much experience from others as possible. However!! I have never felt so much pressure as I did with some of the midwives! Don’t get me wrong, I think midwives are incredible & they have to follow NHS guidelines for mums and babies, but the pressure to breastfeed was so much.

I had a c-section due to my daughter deciding to flip round at 37 weeks. Being told to lie on my side to breastfeed after having major surgery was not fun! The pressure as a new mummy is so intense & that had such an impact on how I grew as a mummy.

The pressure I put on myself really did tumble into how my anxiety progressed. Feeling like a bad mum if I didn’t feed my baby every 4 hours & waking her every 4 hours was so horrible. Again, midwives have to advise this but! I understood with my baby being just 5lb 8oz but the guilt was so heavy.

‘Trust your own instinct!’ After a while of struggling to try to breastfeed a baby who couldn’t latch on properly, I went to the bottle; best thing I’d done. I also expressed for a couple of weeks. Even while sat with a FAB supporter (family & babies) watching my breastfeed she applauded the bottle! Knowing how hard id tried!

What I am trying to say is don’t let the pressure build on you. Trust in yourself. If things don’t happen bang on time then don’t panic. I have to say this to myself every day being such an organised person! Seeing mums close to me who are relaxed & have chilled & happy babies, makes me think why couldn’t I be like that! My daughter is amazing don’t get me wrong! I know I could have saved her a lot of stress through & myself if I’d had gone a different route. A calm one!

Hindsight is a beautiful thing! Just be you; trust in yourself! You’re an amazing parent. You are helping a human to grow!!

If I’d have had this drilled into me at the beginning, maybe I wouldn’t have gone down the route of so much anxiety & PND, but it’s built me to be me now; a progressing & successful mummy.

Lioness & her new cub

The day my daughter was born was the day my life changed forever. The bubble I was in was so surreal. Looking at this little bundle of joy looking at me and me realising that she will now rely on ME for her entire life!! No pressure!!

I had felt like a strong person before having my daughter but I was always known as the person who was kind, selfless, always smiling and would do anything for anyone. Maybe this was my downfall! I was and still am a delicate person who would be taken for granted and anyone who knows me, knows I wear my heart on my sleeve. Having my daughter left my guard open so much.

3 days in a boiling hot hospital & not having any sleep due to my daughter wanting to stay awake all the time so she didn’t miss out on anything, made me hit the baby blues very quickly. I was so happy to see parents and best friend while in there to keep me going. Sleep was an unknown word. A hard part of my stay in hospital aswell as breastfeeding team stressing me out, I think also not being involved in many of my daughters first photos started to trigger something.

Am I just the one who’s given birth to pass over a perfect baby for photos or can I join in please! I hardly got including in photo’s and it started to feel hard like I was being left at the back of queue. Even when we got home; “I’ll hold the baby while you get some jobs done”…. erm??? NOPE!

Carrying your baby for 9 months & then people wanting to take your baby to give you a break 3 days after having her, really bothered me! Help was all that was needed & I started to be lead in a direction I didn’t want to be.

I think being vulnerable as a new mummy didn’t help and started the sad process of what was later realised to be depression and anxiety. Little did I realise I would be heading down this road of heavy emotions, CBT & medication but the question is does this make you stronger? It’s one hell of a learning curve I’ll tell you that! Let the journey continue! …