2019 wasn’t great so I took a break

I’ve been away from my site for a while! Not meaning to be!

In 2019 I lost 2 babies. 1 in March and 1 in May.

2019 was tough, hard, painful and very hard to comprehend.

In January 2019 we found out we were pregnant! So excited to tell our then 3 year old she would be a big sister!! Couldn’t wait!! We were excited, nervous and thinking “here we go again!”. I was nervous to tell people more this time as I had a rock in my tummy telling me to just be on the safe side.

Told couple close friends, family and work. Just incase. My friend at work had also found she was pregnant so it was super exciting!

Around 6 weeks I wasn’t feeling too great. Knots in my tummy, sharp pains. I decided to call EPAU (early pregnant assessment unit) for a check up. They booked me in for a scan the next week which was a horrible wait but I went in for bloods to be taken to check on levels in my blood.

I remember driving Back to work and getting a phone call from the nurse in EPAU saying “are you sat down?”. That automatically made me feel sick. She said the levels in your blood are to double every day when you’re pregnant but unfortunately yours are not which indicates that unfortunately you are losing your pregnant.

I burst into tears and went home. We still went for our scan clutching to each other’s hands. Waiting for words. “Your baby is strong! Here you go, strong heartbeat here!”. I burst into tears. There was my baby! Strong heartbeat and fighting its little battle!! Well done baba!

The next week came, 8 weeks. I felt ok. Went to the bathroom and saw blood. I instantly panicked. I was due to go to London that day to visit by Grandma and tell her the good news. I called EPAU as my husband had been on nights & was asleep. They said “we think you should pop in and we will double check”. I woke Phil up and told him what was happening but was ok to go alone.

Phil got up and came with me. In we go to EPAU again which I wasn’t a fan of!!

The nurse took us into the ultrasound room. That tension and silence while they’ll looking around it’s horrible in itself. But the silence this time wasn’t normal. Usually Phil would look at me and nod, smile, shake my hand. This time, he squeezed it. Hard. I couldn’t look at him.

The sonographer put her hand on my thigh and said “I’m so sorry, your baby hasn’t survived. We can’t find their heartbeat anymore.”

I screamed. I shot up shouting ‘no please, you’ve got it wrong, we saw baby last week with a strong heartbeat! Please Phil tell her” . He just grabbed me. I kept asking to be woken up because this was a nightmare.

“You’ve got it wrong!!! Please!”

“I’m so sorry lovely. If you would like to see, I will show you”. I decided to look. The lovely grey shape of my baby had turned to a dark grey with hardly any blood flow around it or near it. The image is ingrained in my head.

I’d lost my baby. What had I done? Did I do something wrong? I’m the babies protector. I’m the one carrying it!! What did I do?

We sat with the nurse and instantly went through our options to remove the baby. Either to do it at home with a tablet or to surgically remove which they sometimes give as the preferred option. Having swabs and bloods done so fast just incase I wanted it done ASAP.

I got home to make a decision, seeing the scan of our baby on our fireplace. I dropped in complete tears.

I decided to call EPAU to choose the surgical removal. With losing baby on a Friday, I had to wait until the Monday where they could fit me in.

What a decision to make. Thinking I’m going to go back and them tell me to stop worrying. Instead I’m heading home calling my parents to say I’ve lost my baby.

My world was broken and all I could think about was getting my baby girl and squeezing her so hard. I felt I’d let her down, Phil down; our little family down.

Our baby was due on my birthday so it’s not been an easy day since that day.

‘When a feather appears, we know you are near’ 26th Jan – 8th March ❤️💙

I fell pregnant again at the beginning of May, hopefully our angel had not been in vein. I was relieved, emotional, thankful and hopeful that we would have our next baby in our arms 9 months down the line. Unfortunately , 2 days before our daughters 3rd birthday I started to bleed badly. I was too early for the EPAU to check but we all knew exactly what was happening due to the agony I was in.

I couldn’t believe it. It had happened again. Why?! Why me!! I wanted another baby, a sibling for my daughter, another baby to make our family complete. Yes, I already had a child and felt so grateful but that doesn’t mean I’m not entitled to have another? So many people have babies 1 after the other without any thought of loss. This was heartbreaking and painful, going through losing our 3rd on my daughters birthday weekend.

I wasn’t going to let her down and went ahead with the celebrations whilst we secretly grieved.

2019 brought a lot of loss.

But in September 2019, we finally had hope. I fell pregnant again.

Soon to welcome our son, our rainbow baby, Thomas ❤️

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